BLANK CANVASS

The day we moved into our new home was crazy. We had decided at the last minute to pack up a U-Haul (no lesbian jokes please), grab some of the nephews and move in. It was haphazard and it happened in the middle of the night the day after Christmas. When we did finally get moved in we were dwarfed by the size of it all. Our furniture looked like dollhouse furniture against the ten and twenty-foot ceilings. We couldn't believe the size of it: seven bedrooms, eight bathrooms, sauna, steam room, gym, game room, movie theater and the biggest most beautiful pool I had ever seen outside of a resort. All of this on the 18th hole of the golf course with breath-taking views of the lake and the well-manicured nature. Our last name could have been Jefferson 'cause we knew we had moved on up.

Six years later I was packing a U-Haul with my stuff, my memories, and my kid and headed to Florida to start all over from scratch. It should have been the worst time in my life, but that would come later. The Universe has a way of putting things in perspective. To say I was devastated by the circumstances of the end of my relationship would be an understatement by any account. In an instant all that I knew of as my life was gone. My love, my identity, my business, my home, my finances, my stability, my future - everything gone gone gone. I didn't know what I was going to do or how I was going to do it. I got a job. I quit the job. I started a business. I stopped doing the business. I prayed. And then I prayed some more. You find out what you are truly made of when all of the trimmings (or trappings) fall away.

Prayer opened the door to new understanding. Where others saw loss, I saw gain. I knew I had an opportunity unlike any other. I could either dwell on all that I had lost or focus on all I had in front of me. My life hadn't been destroyed. I had been given the most remarkable of gifts: a blank canvass. I had a chance to truly and completely paint the picture I wanted my life to be. What an unimaginable present! I had no idea where to start. When I heard a voice saying, "Just start somewhere!" I realized I was going to need some help with this one, so I turned to God.

I've always been a person who prayed. As a child the rote memorization of my Catholic prayers offered comfort of some sort. As a Baptist seminarian learning to pray I often felt inadequate in my prayer life. But I have always known that I could talk to God and intuitively knew that God talked to me. So that's what I did. I talked to God and I have to say, I've had some great conversations with God over the past couple of years. I pray and God listens to me. I meditate and I listen to God. It is a pretty good system we have worked out. I asked what I should do and I listened in the quiet for the answer. I got it and I have been writing ever since. I love the picture I have been co-creating with God's help. It has been amazing.

In a time when everything I valued disappeared I could have called out in anguish and anger. And yes, I had my moments, but I dug deep and found the Faith I knew had always been there. And in taking the time I needed to be still and look inward, I found me there waiting patiently for my own arrival. It was as though the God in me said, "I knew you'd show up. Here's a brush; now, let's get started." Me and God have been creating the most beautiful life I could ever know filled with wonder and awe and abundance beyond measure. I have been blessed in ways I couldn't even begin to express. I have abundance in ways that have nothing to do with a big house or a fast car. I have more joy and more love than I have ever known! And yes, all of the goodies that come with it.

Last month I was given a gift and had the privilege of attending a Unity retreat hosted by Unity Center for Practical Spirituality. The retreat was held on a lovely resort-like campus in West Cornwall, CT. We were fed deeply satisfying spiritual, intellectual and creative food. The setting was remarkable. I was surrounded by beautiful nature, mountains, rivers, and some of the most loving, gifted, intelligent people you could ever meet. One of whom I met there was me. Fully cloaked in who I have been ordained to be I unveiled this picture God and I have been creating and it was marvelous. One of the best works ever! I liked it so much I decided it should be a part of my permanent collection. I am keeping it out where everyone can see it. I hope you like it as much as I do. I am expanding on the vision of this original painting, adding some color and depth here and there. It IS a work in progress you know.

And if you think that first canvas was fire... HA! Wait until you see what God is creating in me now. Stay tuned. It really is AMAZING!

WE ARE THE POETS

It's an ordinary Monday morning here in Boston and I am sitting in my room sifting through the overnight onslaught of emails and Facebook postings which now decorate my life. This is communication? Last week I had the privilege of attending the National Poetry Slam in Cambridge. I felt alive and wonderful as I sat listening to poet after poet share his, her, or their (team) efforts. I was out nearly every day sometimes reading at the side events, judging one slam and sitting with friends over coffee or pizza discussing how wonderful it is to be in a world of poets if only for just a minute.

And that is exactly what it was. Just a minute. A momentary wrinkle in time when all the world seemed filled with poetry and even the bad poetry - Chimps and Bononos - were worthy of our discussions. In person! As I strolled up Mass Ave in Cambridge and smiled at the bodies moving along the sidewalk, lanyards hung around each neck decreeing "I am a fellow poet and lover of all things poetry" I couldn't help but feel like the world had changed in an instant. That I had somehow been transported into a place where I was a part of the "in" crowd. That all of those years of writing and twisting words into their inevitability had somehow accessed me to the vortex of my parallel life and finally, finally I was living it. Ah. The bliss! I AM the holder of the golden ticket!

Then on Saturday and Sunday it happened. My fellow nerds went home to the places where they hold nerdiness in high regard among their fellow nerds - all five of them. We are that few. We are small in number. We write in quiet corners hugging laptops to our bosom along with artfully decorated marble notebooks and colorful purple pens. We smuggle words to each other; laugh brashly at jokes only we understand; whisper sonnets when a simple word would do. We are the poets holding court for another year. Praying we won't be discovered and stepping to the mic in cities around the world hoping to be heard. We are poets writing illegible passions onto paper and stashing them in the folds of Facebook longing for another poet nerd to respond in kind. We are poets. Setting the world ablaze with our words, and telling it off.

We are the poets and we are not alone.

Robin G. White is an award-winning poet, author and publisher. You can read more about her at www.robingwhite.com.

FLOODGATES

When I first began writing as a young girl I did it in observation of the world around me. I was always so excited to bring home those literary works of art to my Nana who ruled our household with a quick wit and a list full of proverbs designed to keep us all towing the line. I can hear her now, "The early bird catches the worm; don't put your cart before the horse; a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush!" Just one remark from her lit fires under our feet.

Nana's colorful sayings found their way into some of the most comical lines of my early writings. I always wanted to out do her. As I wrote I would think long and hard of an interesting characteristic of some barnyard animal to warp into a proverb of my own. Needless to say, my sayings made no sense; but to Nana, they were as golden as the beautiful poetry I spun about weeping willows, lakes and oceans. "You are going to be a fine writer some day," she'd tell me. Her confidence in me was mine as well

When I was 11, Nana died. I left home one morning and she was gone when I got home that afternoon. The loss haunted me. I couldn't wrap my young brain around such a thing as death. And no matter how I wrote about it, none of it made sense and I needed it to. I wanted it to. Eventually, with the passing of time I released and let out the earnest howls of a youngster who had lost her greatest champion. I sobbed for days.

There have been equally great losses since. My adoptive father died 21 years ago. My step mom, five years ago. And even as I write these words it is hard to say how heartfelt those losses were. Daddy's was so bad I resorted to all sorts of concoctions legal and illegal to put down the feelings, keep the water at bay. Cocaine became the finger in the dike. And I stuck it in there hard and kept the water from breaking. Eventually, it did and I was so much flotsam and jetsam adrift until I landed, dried out and began the steps needed to rebuild a life without Daddy. By the time my step mom died I had all of the faith and support I needed to float through the pain. Faith is a powerful thing.

As I have often written here it is the thing which helped me find my birth family. It is the single thing which I can honestly say made the difference between finding them and not three years ago. And now, now they too are gone.

Today marks a month anniversary of the death of my beloved birth mother, Rosalie Young. The day before yesterday marked the month anniversary of the death of my beloved birth father, Lloyd Young, Jr. III. They died two days apart and hard as I have tried, I couldn't seem to wrap my brain around their deaths either. I have cried in spurts like a leaking damn when I think to call Mom and tell her about a job interview or someone I ran into whom I hadn't seen in a while.

I've cried when I've thought about laying with my forehead touching Daddy's as he slowly succumbed to the COPD and arthritis which had held him hostage for the past 12 years or so of his life. And I cry openly when I think of my two beautiful sisters and two strong brothers who with me mourn these losses. And still, I can't seem to wrap my brain around it enough for the floodgates to open.

Life is strange. You think you've seen it all then something peculiar makes its way up the road and there it is. Today on the anniversary of my mom's death as I softly sobbed, I learned of the passing of a close friend from high school. I promised to see her when I was in town and well, frankly I just didn't make it. I can't even say why. Shortly after I returned home, she was diagnosed with leukemia. She fought a good fight for nine months, but died before I could get home again to see her. And today is the day the universe chose to share this information with me.

And then, the floodgates opened.

Robin G. White is an award-winning author and publisher who now resides in her hometown of Boston, MA. To find out more about Robin and her work visit: http://www.robingwhite.com/.

NOW OR LATERS

There never seems to be enough time in the day and even if there was, I don't think I would know what to do with it all. I am a procrastinator of the grandest scale. If today is Sunday and it can be done tomorrow, I promise I will wait until the end of the week. It is annoying for me and most of the people I know. And what is most frustrating is I just can't seem to stop it.

I don't know how I ended up in this place of "I will do it later" especially since I know later seldom comes or when it does it doesn't present my best. Last summer while visiting my sister, I came to realize that this procrastination might be a part of a bigger problem one that may very well be rooted in a physiological makeup rather than just me being a slacker.

I have a dissociative disorder trait - schitzotypal personality disorder trait. I have had it for years. Because it is a trait it doesn't completely affect everything I do. A trait is a polite way of saying it colors my world, but is not entirely my world. Thank God for a few miracles. I was diagnosed with schitzotypal personality disorder trait along with PTSD as a young adult as it related to some childhood trauma. My disorder used to present as extreme anxiety, major depression and lack of close personal relationships. These symptoms have diminished over time; some are well managed or have gone away entirely. Some oddities have persisted. Some of them I like; others just get in the way.

One of the presentations of this trait is odd thinking and speech often metaphorical or elaborate. I honestly believe that this and the emotional anxiety and depression I sometimes experience are parts of the brew which make my writing so colorful and unique.

The most prevalent way my disorder still presents itself is in a poker face. I don't show the emotion that I am feeling. I can be laughing hysterically internally, but looking at my face, you would never know it. It's a problem. It makes people feel uneasy. They think I don't get the joke or that I am waaaaaaayyyy to serious. Nothing could be furthest from the truth.

The other way my dissociative disorder presents itself is through a lack of sense of urgency about things. Herein lies the root of my procrastination issues. Even though I know something needs to be done right away or it would be helpful to get something done, I become immobilized and just can't do it. It is like the synapses in my brain won't fire and turn me on. This sometimes means I miss real opportunities to connect with others in meaningful ways because I just won't get out of bed. Seriously. I should mention that I have managed to compartmentalize this down to social interactions rather than professional ones - in case you were wondering (or my boss was reading this). Just kidding.

One of the joys about this disorder is you figure out how to fix it by the time you are too old to enjoy the benefits of having it fixed! I am hoping for me this will not be the case. So far so good.

So, I have been working on this procrastination thing. I don't have it completely fixed yet, but I have gotten a whole lot better. It is something my friend Evelyn said when she was training employees for her new venture, Yogo Ono. She said, (and I paraphrase) "Remember those candies we ate as a kid, Now or Laters? Well think of that when you are doing something. Do it now or later. Now being the obvious choice."

So, thanks to Evelyn, I now think of Now or Laters when I am stuck and can't get moving. It is so simple - ridiculously so, but it works. I probably should send a note to Johns Hopkins or Mass General or somebody at Harvard. Memo to all of the psychologists who are working on personality disorders. Now or Laters work wonders!!!! Maybe I should send them a pack! I am going to get right on that!

Robin G. White is an award-winning poet, playwright and short-fiction writer. You can read more about her at http://www.robingwhite.com/.


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I AM ENOUGH

I recently was asked to contribute to a blog about postive body image. Xina Sky's The Big, Bold, Beautiful Blog is full of postings by women about self love and facing the day to day challenges with positive loving energy. I like this blog a lot. I wasn't really sure what I could write as I struggle often with this notion of self love, but I went to a time when loving me was easiest: meeting my sister Tammy who is the best reflection of me I could ever have. You can read the post here: http://thebigboldbeautifulblog.blogspot.com/2011/03/healing-reflection-of-self.html.

Today I was culling through the work that other friends are doing, reading their posts, blogs, writings and the like and I was amazed at all of the wonderful things they are doing in the world. It made me wonder if I am doing enough. Enough is one of those words by which I am challenged, as in am I ever enough of anything to anybody including me. I am not certain where this comes from. My parents have assured me that I was enough, my friends tell me they can't get enough, my siblings often remind me that I am too much; so the common denominator in my worries is me. I am the only one who believes that I am not enough and I need to give up that ghost.

So here it is. I am going to make this my daily mantra. I will chant it whenever I feel a false sense of lack and limitation. You can do it too! I am enough. I am good enough. I am smart enough. I am beautiful enough. I am loving enough. I am enough. Enough, enough, enough. It is time to get back out into the world and show what I am made of. That's the ticket! Yes. Now, where are my keys?!!! Look out world. I am on my way. And I am enough!

Robin G. White is the author of several books. To find out more go to http://www.robingwhite.com/.


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HEALING VS REELING

Today I was reading a post from my friend Adriana's Facebook page about feeling more love and compassion for myself and others (www.tinybuddha.com/blog - love & relationships category) when I wondered if I had been doing enough of these five things the author had listed. It seemed that my life had been reeling out of control for a while, and although I am a Truth student, I believe they call it a faith practice for a reason. If I practice long enough and often enough one of these days I will get it right. In the meantime, taking my self-love temperature might be a useful tool in healing my way out of the free-falling downward spiral I continue to find myself in.

Recently, I realized that I had not been using my Truth to enlist the Universe or my Divinity to guide me through my days, hours or even minutes. I had been continually engaging in doubt, fear and that monster of all - negativity. In fact, I had been wallowing  and reeling in it. I had my moments of light sure, but I was flying under the consciousness radar a little too long for comfort. Oh, the bumps and bruises I endured. When I stepped back into the light I often found it too difficult to remain there. Yup. I needed to "practice" healing and loving me a little bit more.

Healing is a long process.  A traumatic experience can really jolt you out of your seat and away from your core and it may take a while for you to find a way back. For me, I questioned everything around me. Too many things didn't seem right. So much seemed and felt out of place. Little made sense anymore. I engaged willingly in negative self talk. I didn't practice love and forgiveness to me much less others. My human experience overtook my spiritual presence to the point that I felt lost and wayward. I could go through motions, but not have the feelings which went with them. I was at my worst.

Thankfully, I have terrific prayer partners, mentors and a reverence for angels who I know surround me always. I am grateful for the sensibility to turn toward them when I am turned away from my Source. I understand that even at my worst, I am not alone and each experience I feel is felt by others. John Donne got it right when he wrote, "No man is an island entire of itself." I often forget this and in doing so fail to realize what I am putting out in the universe is most assuredly what I am delivering to my self. I know and can do better.

My prayer partners, mentors, family and friends lifted me up when I was uncertain. They sent me messages of hope which spoke to my inner being. They shared moments of joy and prosperity offered intellectual and spiritual perspectives I hadn't considered. They listened, offered shoulders, outings, meals, financial help and sometimes a place to rest my head. They gave me service work to do. And most of all they reminded me that even when I feel most alone, separated and disassociated from the rest of the planet, I am not. There is always someone there paying close attention.

I recall in particular a lengthy late night phone call with a friend from back home on Facebook. Jacquie gave me the pep talk to end all pep talks. As she lovingly extolled some of my better virtues, she simultaneously chastised me for not doing enough for me to ensure the work I am doing will succeed. She let me know that people do indeed pay attention, that people are watching and supporting even when we don't know it. She told me in no uncertain terms that my words, my work was integral to our community and an essential part of others' experiences. Her conversation help me understand how much I mattered at a time when I was feeling a bit inconsequential. Angels have a way of doing that. And it is a reminder that we are all capable of being an angel to someone when they need one.

We all have felt separate, apart from others and at times apart from our Source. We sometimes feel disjointed, off our game, out of step. In those moments, it is important to remember that we are growing, changing and we are not only not alone, but we are not alone in feeling this way. Those moments of doubt are opportunities for growth and transformation and for connection. It is in acknowledging our imperfections that we become closer to our perfection, our divine selves. The healing overtakes the reeling which momentarily made us feel lost. And in expressing our feelings we offer others an opportunity to connect and be healed.

I am healing and I am healed. In short, I am a constant work in progress. I keep moving forward taking one step, one day at a time. Fortunately, I am beyond the baby steps of yesterday and am gaining a sure and steady stride. No more tumbling and reeling for me - one can surely hope. I am healing and stepping into my greatness. I allow my divine self to order my steps the first of which is to remember to love me. And all else will follow.

Robin "Bobbie!" White is an award-winning author and philanthropist. She is Executive Director of We Can We Care, Inc. which is dedicated to decreasing poverty and enriching the lives of the world's poorest children by building homes and schools and by providing renewable and sustainable resources for their health and well being. You can find out more about the organization at www.wix.com/sunsetpointe/wecanwecare.


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EYES ON THE PRIZE

I woke up this morning and opened my email to find a note from a dear friend who expressed concern over this article http://www.aolnews.com/2011/01/27/ugandan-gay-rights-activist-david-kato-slain-after-being-named-o/  about the recent slaying of a gay activist in Uganda, a country which is considering the death penalty for homosexuals. This of course is the same Uganda to which I am planning to travel and to which I have been offering my skills in preparing an orphanage and school, building roads, providing potable water and bringing in power. This is the same Uganda in which 20 of the sweetest orphaned children are awaiting my arrival this summer.

What can I possibly say of a place which holds in some of its highest places a misplaced fear and hatred of God's people. And that is exactly who homosexuals are - God's people. Regardless of how you or I think, believe, understand God to be or people to be; these are God's people and no one has the right to take a life. But what do I do when the decisions of a country dictate that I, my family or friends may not be safe in this country because or our beliefs or lifestyles/orientation? What then?

And so I said in response to my friend, "Lifting it all up in prayer. What do you do when you know the work you are ordained to do is in a part of the world which does not favor you? I am seeking my answers through God. We will see." At the end of the day I already know the answer. Keep my eyes on the prize. Go do the work I am ordained to do.

I am reminded of two verses in the bible. "I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron." Isaiah 45:2. And  "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." I do not know what will happen when I get there, but I know I will go. Perhaps I am the one with an answer. Perhaps I am the one whose influence will create change. Perhaps I will just go and love these children, build their homes, their schools and keep moving. Perhaps I will effect no change whatsoever in the call for human rights. More than likely, God will make a way for me before I get there. In fact, I am certain that has already happened.

Whatever happens, I accept it. I accept that this is where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to do. For me the bars of iron and gates of bronze represent the hearts and minds of men. I know my path is made clear and with all of my heart I will follow it. I can't imagine any other life right now. God is with me always. What is our prayer? The light of God surrounds us. The love of God enfolds us. The power of God protects us. The presence of God watches over us. Wherever we are, God is. Wherever I am, God is.

And all is well.

Robin White is the Executive Director of We Can We Care, Inc. her family's non-profit dedicated to decreasing poverty and enriching the lives of the world's poorest children by building homes and schools and by providing renewable and sustainable resources for their health and well being. Robin is also an award-winning author and publisher.
www.wix.com/sunsetpointe/wecanwecare
http://www.robingwhite.com/


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IF...THEN

I remember when I finally got around to learning how to use Excel six or seven years ago I found the formula which required an "if/then" sequence to make an equation work. It went something like: if X equals (place value here) then Y will be (blank). It was a pretty straightforward formula, nothing fancy. In fact, the day after I took the four-hour course I used the formula to find about $60K in lost revenues for the company where I worked. I then used the formula to modify the company's time sheets and made it an online form which could better track billable hours. It was kind of neat - when it worked. When there were too many variables the system could end up being a mess. And by variables, I mean humans.

This month has been a month of lot of variables. I am beginning to understand that in my life I am the biggest variable of all. The decisions I make based on what may or may not happen sometimes get me into hot water. I find myself asking (and often praying): What can I do to make my life transitions run more smoothly, build a better income, find reliable transportation and continue to do the work I am ordained to do as a writer and philanthropist? I keep running the if...then sequences in my mind and often on paper and it all looks good in theory. The problem comes when I put it into practice.

Take last week's snowmageddon for example. I looked at my work schedule and knew roughly how much my pay check would be based on those hours. I gave my paycheck a little wiggle room (it's a little paycheck) and then planned my spending accordingly for rent, household bills and enough for a partial down payment on a car. I figured if I spent wisely, then by the end of the month, I'd be driving again.

Then it snowed six inches and metro Atlanta came to a screeching halt for a week. My job was shut down for three days and on a fourth day I couldn't get a ride home from work so had to forfeit a day's pay. I will be lucky to be able to pay my rent, household bills and cell phone. If your call goes right to voice mail...well. My conclusion: If...then is not very reliable. Life is full of a lot of variables.

I don't know what it is going to take for any of us to get over this financial hump. I do know that the challenge is very taxing on most people I know. A lot of us are living dangerously close to the edge and some of us don't even realize it. I was one of those people once. Now, I am all to keenly aware of my seemingly dwindling cash supply. And even though I know there is money to be made and it is coming in my direction some time in the near future, right now it feels a little hard to bear.

Still, I keep plugging away. Even if I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, I know it is up around the bend. I have to believe there will be an if that has a then which works for me, because if I don't, then I will be in serious trouble. And that has less to do with what is in my bank account than what is in my faith account. That is a bankruptcy I truly can't afford.

So, I will keep working on the if...then calculations. One of them will work at some point. All it's gonna take is some faith and a whole lot of prayer.

Robin "Bobbie!" White is the Executive Director of We Can We Care, Inc., a 501(c)3 organization which is dedicated to decreasing poverty and enriching the lives of the world's poorest children by building homes and schools and by providing renewable and sustainable resources for their health and well being. She is an award-winning author and publisher. For more information go to http://www.robingwhite.com/.


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.