Monday, November 1, 2010


I had my first dating experience in probably 14 years this past week. Let me explain. I have been out of a long-term relationship for about 15 months. I spent nearly a year sorting it out, reading, writing, praying - lots of that, talking, counseling (yes, I did some therapy), and generally reflecting on the merits of the experience with my past loved one. I took the time to do my work, look inward and take stock of my part in the madness that our relationship had become, find forgiveness, sanity and me in the process. That said, I feel ready to move on, date, meet interesting people and enjoy the company and companionship of others. So, when the opportunity presented itself, I jumped in feet first. And I am so glad I did.

Dating has never really been in my experience. Generally, I meet my special someones organically. For example, I met my former love while working on a project together. It evolved from a strictly business relationship, into mutual respect, friendship and then ultimately a relationship. For me, this is the norm. It is not that I date my friends, sometimes the timing, the connections, the feelings become mutual. It is like a perfect storm. Everything is in alignment. So, when the young woman in question and I began to talk and it became clear that we wanted to know more about one another, we agreed to go out.

14 years is a long time to be "off the market" so to speak and the thought of dating can be daunting. I was nervous. I called and texted about a half dozen family members and friends in a panic trying to figure out where to go and what to do. Who knew dating could be so difficult? What do people do on a date? I have never dated in this city and although it is full of all types of sights and sounds, I have been in a relationship for nine years. I finally figured out that it was OK to be in my comfort zone and suggest a few places that I knew. I selected a restaurant where we could talk and which had live music if we needed a distraction. The night was perfect. I brought a rose, we talked for hours on end and didn't want to leave at the end of the evening. We made plans to see each other again.

My second date was less eventful. I had to be at work that evening, she was busy piddling through her day and in the end although we enjoyed our conversation, the connection just wasn't quite what it had been a few days before. She felt it clearly and let me know the next morning, which I appreciated. Although somewhat disappointed that I will not be in this woman's company for future dates, I am very happy I had the experience. I now know I can go out, be myself and that it will be wonderful. As my little sister Janet says, I have the gift of gab; conversation is not an issue. Now that I have a couple under my belt, I feel like I can handle it when the opportunities come my way again. This experience has boosted my courage.

Dating, I realize is another way of figuring out who you are in the world. I know who I am and what I like, but after being a "somebody" to someone else for so long, my role or what I want sometimes feels unclear. This experience has certainly helped me understand what I am open to. I love a good conversationalist and this friend certainly is one. She is as intelligent as she is provocative. I really enjoy a woman who knows her own sexual power. That to me is bliss. And I really appreciate a woman who has done her work to get to the place where she is ready to move on and explore possibilities with another. My friend felt like she needed more time. When she is ready, I am certain someone else will find her as engaging, sexy and beautiful as I did. And at the end of the day, spending time healing, getting reacquainted with yourself - your needs, desires, your joys is what matters. I did it and I encourage others to do the same. I am not one bit mad at her for doing what it is that ultimately most of us don't take the time to do. I applaud her sensibility.

I expect I will be dating a bit this fall and winter. I joined a few meetups at over the past few weeks and maybe will make some connections there. Who knows. I am attending a few planned indoor events while the mercury drops. There is nothing like a little cold weather to make you really want to enjoy the cozy company of others. I am looking forward to it and am open to suggestions of places to go in my city and in others for that matter as I travel quite a bit. So, if you see me in a lodge snuggled by the fire with a cup of cocoa in one hand and some lovely lady's hand in the other, you will know. I'm on a date so do not disturb!

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  1. Oh I am so excited for you! 14 years huh? Try 27 and counting. Although Im basically free, Im just not ready yet. I kinda know what I want and dont want but am just too afraid. Im afraid to trust people will tell the truth. Im afraid to give anyone my heart again. I guess it will be time when its time.

  2. Excellent blog. Thank you for being you. Thank you for risking, for sharing, for smiling, for your joy.(smile)

  3. Your honesty and vulnerability is courageous and refreshing. It makes me admire you even more. Imani

  4. Thank you all. I appreciate your kind words.

    Darlaina...take your time, Beloved. When it is time, you will know. In the interim, take yourself out for a special date or two. Go to a favorite haunt or try someplace new complete with candlelight, soft music and a terrific glass of wine. We all deserve to be treated with love and affection; who better to give it than you. Find you first and then let someone in. You will know better then who you are and what you want and will recognize it when it comes. Be well. Be blessed.

  5. My wonderful one,

    Life is a journey, where everyone looks for love as the destination. I am glad you are enjoying your journey. My new love came after I had prepared myself for a lifetime partner. I had a dear friend nurture me through defining me and that was a blessing. Keep getting to know yourself and you will find so many wonderful surprises, while you tumble through the haystacks to find your special one.