NOW OR LATERS

There never seems to be enough time in the day and even if there was, I don't think I would know what to do with it all. I am a procrastinator of the grandest scale. If today is Sunday and it can be done tomorrow, I promise I will wait until the end of the week. It is annoying for me and most of the people I know. And what is most frustrating is I just can't seem to stop it.

I don't know how I ended up in this place of "I will do it later" especially since I know later seldom comes or when it does it doesn't present my best. Last summer while visiting my sister, I came to realize that this procrastination might be a part of a bigger problem one that may very well be rooted in a physiological makeup rather than just me being a slacker.

I have a dissociative disorder trait - schitzotypal personality disorder trait. I have had it for years. Because it is a trait it doesn't completely affect everything I do. A trait is a polite way of saying it colors my world, but is not entirely my world. Thank God for a few miracles. I was diagnosed with schitzotypal personality disorder trait along with PTSD as a young adult as it related to some childhood trauma. My disorder used to present as extreme anxiety, major depression and lack of close personal relationships. These symptoms have diminished over time; some are well managed or have gone away entirely. Some oddities have persisted. Some of them I like; others just get in the way.

One of the presentations of this trait is odd thinking and speech often metaphorical or elaborate. I honestly believe that this and the emotional anxiety and depression I sometimes experience are parts of the brew which make my writing so colorful and unique.

The most prevalent way my disorder still presents itself is in a poker face. I don't show the emotion that I am feeling. I can be laughing hysterically internally, but looking at my face, you would never know it. It's a problem. It makes people feel uneasy. They think I don't get the joke or that I am waaaaaaayyyy to serious. Nothing could be furthest from the truth.

The other way my dissociative disorder presents itself is through a lack of sense of urgency about things. Herein lies the root of my procrastination issues. Even though I know something needs to be done right away or it would be helpful to get something done, I become immobilized and just can't do it. It is like the synapses in my brain won't fire and turn me on. This sometimes means I miss real opportunities to connect with others in meaningful ways because I just won't get out of bed. Seriously. I should mention that I have managed to compartmentalize this down to social interactions rather than professional ones - in case you were wondering (or my boss was reading this). Just kidding.

One of the joys about this disorder is you figure out how to fix it by the time you are too old to enjoy the benefits of having it fixed! I am hoping for me this will not be the case. So far so good.

So, I have been working on this procrastination thing. I don't have it completely fixed yet, but I have gotten a whole lot better. It is something my friend Evelyn said when she was training employees for her new venture, Yogo Ono. She said, (and I paraphrase) "Remember those candies we ate as a kid, Now or Laters? Well think of that when you are doing something. Do it now or later. Now being the obvious choice."

So, thanks to Evelyn, I now think of Now or Laters when I am stuck and can't get moving. It is so simple - ridiculously so, but it works. I probably should send a note to Johns Hopkins or Mass General or somebody at Harvard. Memo to all of the psychologists who are working on personality disorders. Now or Laters work wonders!!!! Maybe I should send them a pack! I am going to get right on that!

Robin G. White is an award-winning poet, playwright and short-fiction writer. You can read more about her at http://www.robingwhite.com/.


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I AM ENOUGH

I recently was asked to contribute to a blog about postive body image. Xina Sky's The Big, Bold, Beautiful Blog is full of postings by women about self love and facing the day to day challenges with positive loving energy. I like this blog a lot. I wasn't really sure what I could write as I struggle often with this notion of self love, but I went to a time when loving me was easiest: meeting my sister Tammy who is the best reflection of me I could ever have. You can read the post here: http://thebigboldbeautifulblog.blogspot.com/2011/03/healing-reflection-of-self.html.

Today I was culling through the work that other friends are doing, reading their posts, blogs, writings and the like and I was amazed at all of the wonderful things they are doing in the world. It made me wonder if I am doing enough. Enough is one of those words by which I am challenged, as in am I ever enough of anything to anybody including me. I am not certain where this comes from. My parents have assured me that I was enough, my friends tell me they can't get enough, my siblings often remind me that I am too much; so the common denominator in my worries is me. I am the only one who believes that I am not enough and I need to give up that ghost.

So here it is. I am going to make this my daily mantra. I will chant it whenever I feel a false sense of lack and limitation. You can do it too! I am enough. I am good enough. I am smart enough. I am beautiful enough. I am loving enough. I am enough. Enough, enough, enough. It is time to get back out into the world and show what I am made of. That's the ticket! Yes. Now, where are my keys?!!! Look out world. I am on my way. And I am enough!

Robin G. White is the author of several books. To find out more go to http://www.robingwhite.com/.


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HEALING VS REELING

Today I was reading a post from my friend Adriana's Facebook page about feeling more love and compassion for myself and others (www.tinybuddha.com/blog - love & relationships category) when I wondered if I had been doing enough of these five things the author had listed. It seemed that my life had been reeling out of control for a while, and although I am a Truth student, I believe they call it a faith practice for a reason. If I practice long enough and often enough one of these days I will get it right. In the meantime, taking my self-love temperature might be a useful tool in healing my way out of the free-falling downward spiral I continue to find myself in.

Recently, I realized that I had not been using my Truth to enlist the Universe or my Divinity to guide me through my days, hours or even minutes. I had been continually engaging in doubt, fear and that monster of all - negativity. In fact, I had been wallowing  and reeling in it. I had my moments of light sure, but I was flying under the consciousness radar a little too long for comfort. Oh, the bumps and bruises I endured. When I stepped back into the light I often found it too difficult to remain there. Yup. I needed to "practice" healing and loving me a little bit more.

Healing is a long process.  A traumatic experience can really jolt you out of your seat and away from your core and it may take a while for you to find a way back. For me, I questioned everything around me. Too many things didn't seem right. So much seemed and felt out of place. Little made sense anymore. I engaged willingly in negative self talk. I didn't practice love and forgiveness to me much less others. My human experience overtook my spiritual presence to the point that I felt lost and wayward. I could go through motions, but not have the feelings which went with them. I was at my worst.

Thankfully, I have terrific prayer partners, mentors and a reverence for angels who I know surround me always. I am grateful for the sensibility to turn toward them when I am turned away from my Source. I understand that even at my worst, I am not alone and each experience I feel is felt by others. John Donne got it right when he wrote, "No man is an island entire of itself." I often forget this and in doing so fail to realize what I am putting out in the universe is most assuredly what I am delivering to my self. I know and can do better.

My prayer partners, mentors, family and friends lifted me up when I was uncertain. They sent me messages of hope which spoke to my inner being. They shared moments of joy and prosperity offered intellectual and spiritual perspectives I hadn't considered. They listened, offered shoulders, outings, meals, financial help and sometimes a place to rest my head. They gave me service work to do. And most of all they reminded me that even when I feel most alone, separated and disassociated from the rest of the planet, I am not. There is always someone there paying close attention.

I recall in particular a lengthy late night phone call with a friend from back home on Facebook. Jacquie gave me the pep talk to end all pep talks. As she lovingly extolled some of my better virtues, she simultaneously chastised me for not doing enough for me to ensure the work I am doing will succeed. She let me know that people do indeed pay attention, that people are watching and supporting even when we don't know it. She told me in no uncertain terms that my words, my work was integral to our community and an essential part of others' experiences. Her conversation help me understand how much I mattered at a time when I was feeling a bit inconsequential. Angels have a way of doing that. And it is a reminder that we are all capable of being an angel to someone when they need one.

We all have felt separate, apart from others and at times apart from our Source. We sometimes feel disjointed, off our game, out of step. In those moments, it is important to remember that we are growing, changing and we are not only not alone, but we are not alone in feeling this way. Those moments of doubt are opportunities for growth and transformation and for connection. It is in acknowledging our imperfections that we become closer to our perfection, our divine selves. The healing overtakes the reeling which momentarily made us feel lost. And in expressing our feelings we offer others an opportunity to connect and be healed.

I am healing and I am healed. In short, I am a constant work in progress. I keep moving forward taking one step, one day at a time. Fortunately, I am beyond the baby steps of yesterday and am gaining a sure and steady stride. No more tumbling and reeling for me - one can surely hope. I am healing and stepping into my greatness. I allow my divine self to order my steps the first of which is to remember to love me. And all else will follow.

Robin "Bobbie!" White is an award-winning author and philanthropist. She is Executive Director of We Can We Care, Inc. which is dedicated to decreasing poverty and enriching the lives of the world's poorest children by building homes and schools and by providing renewable and sustainable resources for their health and well being. You can find out more about the organization at www.wix.com/sunsetpointe/wecanwecare.


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EYES ON THE PRIZE

I woke up this morning and opened my email to find a note from a dear friend who expressed concern over this article http://www.aolnews.com/2011/01/27/ugandan-gay-rights-activist-david-kato-slain-after-being-named-o/  about the recent slaying of a gay activist in Uganda, a country which is considering the death penalty for homosexuals. This of course is the same Uganda to which I am planning to travel and to which I have been offering my skills in preparing an orphanage and school, building roads, providing potable water and bringing in power. This is the same Uganda in which 20 of the sweetest orphaned children are awaiting my arrival this summer.

What can I possibly say of a place which holds in some of its highest places a misplaced fear and hatred of God's people. And that is exactly who homosexuals are - God's people. Regardless of how you or I think, believe, understand God to be or people to be; these are God's people and no one has the right to take a life. But what do I do when the decisions of a country dictate that I, my family or friends may not be safe in this country because or our beliefs or lifestyles/orientation? What then?

And so I said in response to my friend, "Lifting it all up in prayer. What do you do when you know the work you are ordained to do is in a part of the world which does not favor you? I am seeking my answers through God. We will see." At the end of the day I already know the answer. Keep my eyes on the prize. Go do the work I am ordained to do.

I am reminded of two verses in the bible. "I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron." Isaiah 45:2. And  "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." I do not know what will happen when I get there, but I know I will go. Perhaps I am the one with an answer. Perhaps I am the one whose influence will create change. Perhaps I will just go and love these children, build their homes, their schools and keep moving. Perhaps I will effect no change whatsoever in the call for human rights. More than likely, God will make a way for me before I get there. In fact, I am certain that has already happened.

Whatever happens, I accept it. I accept that this is where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to do. For me the bars of iron and gates of bronze represent the hearts and minds of men. I know my path is made clear and with all of my heart I will follow it. I can't imagine any other life right now. God is with me always. What is our prayer? The light of God surrounds us. The love of God enfolds us. The power of God protects us. The presence of God watches over us. Wherever we are, God is. Wherever I am, God is.

And all is well.

Robin White is the Executive Director of We Can We Care, Inc. her family's non-profit dedicated to decreasing poverty and enriching the lives of the world's poorest children by building homes and schools and by providing renewable and sustainable resources for their health and well being. Robin is also an award-winning author and publisher.
www.wix.com/sunsetpointe/wecanwecare
http://www.robingwhite.com/


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IF...THEN

I remember when I finally got around to learning how to use Excel six or seven years ago I found the formula which required an "if/then" sequence to make an equation work. It went something like: if X equals (place value here) then Y will be (blank). It was a pretty straightforward formula, nothing fancy. In fact, the day after I took the four-hour course I used the formula to find about $60K in lost revenues for the company where I worked. I then used the formula to modify the company's time sheets and made it an online form which could better track billable hours. It was kind of neat - when it worked. When there were too many variables the system could end up being a mess. And by variables, I mean humans.

This month has been a month of lot of variables. I am beginning to understand that in my life I am the biggest variable of all. The decisions I make based on what may or may not happen sometimes get me into hot water. I find myself asking (and often praying): What can I do to make my life transitions run more smoothly, build a better income, find reliable transportation and continue to do the work I am ordained to do as a writer and philanthropist? I keep running the if...then sequences in my mind and often on paper and it all looks good in theory. The problem comes when I put it into practice.

Take last week's snowmageddon for example. I looked at my work schedule and knew roughly how much my pay check would be based on those hours. I gave my paycheck a little wiggle room (it's a little paycheck) and then planned my spending accordingly for rent, household bills and enough for a partial down payment on a car. I figured if I spent wisely, then by the end of the month, I'd be driving again.

Then it snowed six inches and metro Atlanta came to a screeching halt for a week. My job was shut down for three days and on a fourth day I couldn't get a ride home from work so had to forfeit a day's pay. I will be lucky to be able to pay my rent, household bills and cell phone. If your call goes right to voice mail...well. My conclusion: If...then is not very reliable. Life is full of a lot of variables.

I don't know what it is going to take for any of us to get over this financial hump. I do know that the challenge is very taxing on most people I know. A lot of us are living dangerously close to the edge and some of us don't even realize it. I was one of those people once. Now, I am all to keenly aware of my seemingly dwindling cash supply. And even though I know there is money to be made and it is coming in my direction some time in the near future, right now it feels a little hard to bear.

Still, I keep plugging away. Even if I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, I know it is up around the bend. I have to believe there will be an if that has a then which works for me, because if I don't, then I will be in serious trouble. And that has less to do with what is in my bank account than what is in my faith account. That is a bankruptcy I truly can't afford.

So, I will keep working on the if...then calculations. One of them will work at some point. All it's gonna take is some faith and a whole lot of prayer.

Robin "Bobbie!" White is the Executive Director of We Can We Care, Inc., a 501(c)3 organization which is dedicated to decreasing poverty and enriching the lives of the world's poorest children by building homes and schools and by providing renewable and sustainable resources for their health and well being. She is an award-winning author and publisher. For more information go to http://www.robingwhite.com/.


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NAVEL GAZING

So, the holidays have come and gone and we are none of us any worse for the wear. Some of us may be a little stressed about upcoming credit card bills, but for the most part I think we are all good. I know I am. I managed (less by choice than out of necessity) to completely avoid the malls altogether. I mean I did not go near a single one and I feel better for it.

This has been an unusual holiday for me. My car broke down and died two weeks before Christmas. A non-paying client left me without the funds I had budgeted for my vacation to go home and I rapidly watched life as I knew it go into a pre-holiday tailspin. I had a brief pity party then mustered up the courage to tell my friends and family that I was in serious straits. I humbly asked for help, which they generously and blessedly provided.

While I still don't know what is going to happen regarding my transportation back and forth to work - I am still without a car - I sit listening to the roosters crowing outside my birth mom's house in Key West where I spent my very first Christmas with her and my two sisters. Sometimes you just have to let go and let things be what they are. This Christmas, one which was 49 years in the making was what needed to happen more than the car, more than money, more than anything else because we are not promised tomorrow and I can't live with anymore regrets.

In seven months I will be 50 years old. 50. I have done some tremendous things in my life and I am very proud of my accomplishments. I have achieved things many people only dream of and while some are grand and others are quiet little milestones, they are mine and have made me the multi layered individual I am today. I am unique, different, an anomaly and I am finally content to be all of that.

So, when a friend asked today where I was going when I said we needed to see one another soon, I had to admit that I am moving on in my life in ways I could not have imagined a few years back. I had to admit that all of the accomplishments, the loves, the things, the "stuff" were no longer sufficient. I want something more for the second half of my journey.

I desire a life which no longer has me as its center, a life which is without regret, one which makes the most of my skills, talents, gifts, my calling - whatever you want to name it. I choose a life which allows me to be fully who I am with all of my quirks, my brilliance, my laughter, my joy and mostly with all of my great big loving heart. After a year and a half of looking inward and finding what has always been there, I want to spend time looking outward and seeing where I can help and be a difference in the world. I AM the change I want to see.

My life has never been linear and now it has even more dimension than it has ever had. Being at least objective enough to know something grand is unfolding, I have seen the unmistakeable signs which tell me I have no clue whatsoever about life. I have been keenly aware that I am (as we all are) being prepared for whatever it is which will come next. And I am astounded at every turn. I can only think, if this is just the preparation - wow.

I don't know what this journey will bring. Well, I suspect it will bring a lot of joy, but you know what I mean. This is a new year, a new time. And for me as always it will be a year of tremendous change. I hope you will continue to look to these pages for moments of inspiration, hope, love, joy and triumphs because I plan to write about them as I find them along my travels.

As always, I wish you well on your own journey towards self understanding. Take some time in your life to do your own omphaloskepsis. You'll be surprised at what you find. 

Navel gazing. The view is amazing.

Robin G. White is an award-winning author, poet, playwright, performer and publisher who likes the letter P. You can find out more about Robin at http://www.robingwhite.com/ and about her family's  non-profit organization, We Can We Care, Inc. at www.wix.com/sunsetpointe/wecanwecare


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THE SEASON

Aaargh. So I woke up this morning with huge fat tears streaming down my face. I was thinking about Christmas and despite all of the revelry and all of the great things that are transpiring in my life, I went there. You know. There. That lonely place where you get all self-absorbed and whiny and act like you have nothing better to do than to complain about what isn't perfect in life. Yup. That place. I know. It is making my ears bleed just to think about it.

I don't have a perfect life. Far from it. My life is just different from what it used to be and I am like a lot of people who are making some adjustments to fit their ever-decreasing-in-size billfolds. I am still figuring it out. Some days - most in fact - are better than others, but it is a process. It is one I welcome and am learning from. You see, for nearly the past decade I have been complicit in an exercise in excess: purchasing the largest tree on the lot, the shiniest gigantic ornaments and buying ridiculously over-priced presents which would've stunned my parents and made my grandparents roll over in their graves. Honestly. What was I thinking? I wasn't. I was just numbly, unconsciously rolling along with the flow. And what an excessive flow it was.

One year our tree was so big we had to buy a dozen treetop angels just to sit on the branches so the tree would not look so empty. Imagine! The following year we had so many presents for the children that we had to hide them in a room in the basement - not a closet mind you, but in an entire room - our movie theater. And the food, my God. There were piles and piles of food enough to feed a small army, fresh baked breads, pineapple glazed hams, roasted turkeys, pans of sweet potatoes, macaroni and cheese, a field of greens and a pantry full of home-baked goodies. We were stuffed for days and then threw out the leftovers. Add warm festive lights, joyous music, high spirits all sprinkled with a little cinnamon and awww. The holidays.

Hmmm. What the mind tricks you into remembering. While Christmas was often lovely and the memories - some of them - were magical, I also recall quite a bit of stress involved. Finding just the right tree and getting it flocked, carting and unpacking dozens of boxes of ornaments and disagreements about what could go on the tree and what couldn't, waiting in countless supermarket lines and Honey Baked Ham lines, shopping, shopping, shopping for all the right gifts for just the right people right before the store closed on Christmas eve, more arguments, buying more toys than any one or two children could ever play with, still more stress-induced fights, dressing up for dinners which took hours to prepare and were gone in the bat of an eyelash. Exhaustion. Broken toys. Run down batteries. Too small sweaters. Mountains of once beautiful wrappings ripped to shreds and stuffed in trash bags. Every adult asleep in front of the movie we had all planned to enjoy together. And still, none of it ever felt like it was enough. Battle scars. Hurt feelings. Where was the joy?!

So, this morning, I mourned the loss of the fantasy. Sobbed big wet tears for all of the traditions I had created in my mind and then snapped out of being the drama queen my friend Mesu accuses me of being. And I counted my blessings for the late night gig which allows me to pay my bills, the paid extra project and its countless hours which will allow me to spend the first Christmas ever with my birth mom and siblings, the orphans in Uganda who have heightened my awareness about what it really means to give and receive and for whom my family began a new tradition of giving, my soon-to-be 47 nieces, nephews, great-nieces and great-nephews who help me understand love in ways I never knew I could feel, my 17 siblings who are some of the most amazing people you would ever want to know, my array of parents - all five of them who have poured everything into us to make us such wonderful people, and my friends, colleagues and acquaintances who I hope know how dearly I love and appreciate them in my life. The tears faded behind the beaming smile which lit up my heart.

This is the season of love, after all. It is not about how shiny the things you have are, but about how bright the light within you shines. Mine once was a glimmer; today it feels like a star. And I hope it is shining brightly wherever you are.

Love and Light to you this holiday season.

Robin G. White "Bobbie!" is an award-winning author and publisher. You can read more about her at http://www.robingwhite.com/. You can read more about her family project, We Can We Care, Inc. at www.wix.com/sunsetpointe/wecanwecare and find out how you too can help build sustainable charitable projects in your own community.


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